Prima Donna?

I once read in the newspaper about the performers that come to the Hult Center in Eugene and all the special requests they have for before and after, such as organic Ceylon tea in bone china cups or unchilled apricot nectar or an Ultraloft down futon to take a nap on.

So silly.

Well. I just got an email from the book-signing guy at Barnes and Noble, wondering if I have any special requests for Saturday night...." such as type/brand of pen, type of beverage, etc."

You have got to be kidding. I figured I'd take my water bottle from Grocery Outlet that's been refilled at our faucet umpteen times, and the cool green pen that my brother Marcus gave me for Christmas that I just love and on which I put a "Mom" sticker so no one else uses it with their sticky fingers. (In my dreams).

I guess I just don't know how to be a fancy author. I'm supposed to give a talk to the Willamette Writers Group in January, and the coordinator just sent out a list of all the speakers for the year and their subjects. The others have paragraphs like this:

Garth Stein will talk about the creative process in fiction, specifically, the moment that the writer disappears and the work emerges with its own pulse, its own thoughts, and its own needs. Getting there takes hard work and an understanding of the craft of writing. Being there is a tremendously gratifying experience. What can you do as a writer to lay the foundation that allows a creative jolt from beyond? And, most importantly, how does one guide a work that may not exist entirely within one's conscious self? Trust the creative process. Remember, you do not write a novel, you believe it with all of your might. Then, the novel writes itself.

or this:

How does research fit into our narratives, enriching them with texture and authenticity? How, when and where do we begin? Which questions – architectural styles? train schedules? exchange rates? weather? – need answers and which can we safely invent? In this talk, Portland author Martha Gies will talk about the role of research in her past and current work.

or this:

Karbo is the author of three novels, all of which were named New York Times Notable Books. The Stuff of Life, a memoir about caring for her father during the last year of his life, was a People Magazine Critic's Choice, and winner of the Oregon Book Award for Creative Nonfiction. A past winner of the General Electric Young Writer Award, Karen is in addition the recipient of an NEA Grant. Her essays and journalism have appeared in Outside, Elle, Vogue, Esquire, The New Republic and the New York Times. Her most recent book is the first in a trilogy for young readers, Minerva Clark Gets a Clue.

And then we have lil ole me:

Dorcas will talk about her monthly “Letter from Harrisburg” column and the process of writing it. Also a bit of background about Mennonites and her family. She will answer the questions she hears most often: "Do your children mind if you write about them?" and "How do you find time to write?" She’ll also answer questions from the audience.

Dorcas Smucker lives with her husband and six children in a 95-year-old farmhouse near Harrisburg. The family is involved in their grass-seed business plus their Mennonite church, extended family, and school. Dorcas writes a monthly column, “Letter from Harrisburg,” for the Register-Guard, detailing life at the Smuckers.

The highest praise my mom could give someone, back in the day, was that they were "just so nice and common." Maybe my goal, even with people offering me special pens and beverages, should be to stay nice and common enough to win Mom's approval.