Disappointment

I think we are all looking for Jesus.

We are looking for something or someone to be there for us, to satisfy deep-down, to meet that vast heart-deep need for love and for reassurance that we are ok and everything else will be ok too.

We look in all the wrong places for him, and so we're always disappointed.

Mostly, we look to other people.

Now I will grant that we are supposed to be like Jesus, and that His living water flows through us to others, and the apostle Paul said, "Follow me as I follow Christ."

But ultimately, we are just us, and we are going to miss it, and we are going to disappoint.

I think about this a lot, being a mom, a minister's wife, a writer, a daughter, a sister, a friend.  People want and expect more from me than I give.  Sometimes, I don't meet their expectations because I'm selfish; sometimes I don't because I simply can't.

Family and friends tend to have a more realistic idea of what I'm capable of, knowing, for instance,  that I can't leave for town without rushing back into the house three times to snatch up things I forgot.  And I am going to forget a lot of birthdays and also messages I was supposed to put on the prayer chain.

But even more I disappoint in spirit.  Anger, moods, obliviousness, selfishness.  I just miss it, over and over.

And then perhaps I will mention that little recent episode when I was speaking to several dozen ladies in a lovely living room and one of them asked, "What are the tenets of the Mennonite faith?"  Now seriously, I should not be out in public unsupervised, let alone speaking to groups of people, without being able to answer this question.  Suddenly my mind was a front-loading washer on the spin cycle, whirring with Genesis, Daniel Kauffman, the Ordnung, I Corinthians, Instructions for Beginners in the Christian Life, the book of James, and Gott Ist Die Liebe.  I could have talked for an hour, but I could not at that moment summarize our beliefs in one minute.

I'm sure I was a disappointment.

But especially, one disappoints as a writer.   I think it's easy for people to project their Jesus-needs onto writers because all they see is these tiny slices of the writer's life, put into words that resonate with their own lives, and so their imagination fills in the rest--this must be someone who is all that I am trying to be, who would truly "get" me, who has it figured out, whose family life is truly healthy, who understands our frame and remembers that we are dust.

And then, oops.  This writer writes a post on April Fools and fools you, and you think, "What??  That's like LYING."

She doesn't respond to the email you send.

She writes that they attended a football game, and you know no true Christian should do that.

She jokes about holy things.

You hear what her child did at EBI one night, and you're deeply disturbed.

Worst of all, you finally get to meet her in person and she's tired and spacey and distracted, and her teeth are crooked, and she doesn't use much Scripture in her talk, and what she uses is from the NIV.

She is not Jesus after all, but that's not what you really think.  You think, "How disappointing.  She's not who she projected herself to be.  How could she do this to me?"

Years ago, when Francis Schaeffer was the John Piper/Ravi Zacharias/Christian guru of his day, I didn't revere him as much as I did his wife Edith, a smart, classy, creative woman.  I especially liked her book "The Hidden Art of Homemaking" which gave me a whole new perspective on turning housekeeping into service and art.

Recently I've run across their son Frank's writings.  Now he may well color and fictionalize and satirize his family life, but I still find myself thinking, "SERIOUSLY, Edith??  I mean, come ON."

Disappointment.

And then there was the woman I know who corresponded a bit with Elisabeth Elliot and was greatly helped and encouraged.  Then she got to meet her in person and it was not at all the warm connecting that she had imagined.  Even though she knew her expectations had been unrealistic, it was still very disappointing.

And I think, ok, if Elisabeth Elliot herself can disappoint someone, there will be no exceptions for us mere mortals.

Ann Voskamp writes about this sort of thing and I read it now and then after I gird up my loins and gather my courage, because going over there to A Holy Experience makes me feel like What am I THINKING to go tossing words into the great void when someone is saying it a hundred times deeper and better?

Just being honest here.  Don't get me started on Pioneer Woman.  A hundred times funnier and interesting-er.

Anyway. TMI.

Recently my friend Ilva sent me an email in which she quoted from Courtney at Women Living Well.  Courtney had just met and heard Ann Voskamp at a conference.

Courtney says,

Trust me, I’m a big disappointment in real life.

And so as I sat with pen in hand, ready to receive the message Ann had to share at the closing session of the Relevant Conference – this fearful, weary, wrestling mommy blogger found hope and tears stung as she spoke these words…

“You have been appointed to disappoint so you will point to the one who doesn’t disappoint.”

Did you catch that? It’s my calling!

This is my calling – to be a disappointment to the glory of God!

I am free! Free to be a big disappointment! Because it’s NOT about me – let me point you to who it’s ALL about – Jesus!

She continues with some notes she took about blogging, fame, and Jesus, including:

All the Christian bloggers united are thunder -we are signaling God is about to rain – rain on the wilderness of parched and dry souls. Since Jesus is the rain, we must be thankful people are reading at any blog.

And continues:

And so I conclude, I am but thunder…I pray that when you come here, God rains on your soul. And when I post something unsettling, don’t answer your email (oh the guilt I carry for not answering your emails I just feel terrible I’ve disappointed so many in this way) or you meet me accidently in the supermarket (multiple times I’ve met strangers who are readers in stores) and my kids are standing on their heads lol!…I will remember I am but dust…you can’t expect too much out of dust (as Sally Clarkson says).

And I am learning to make peace with my new identity.

“I’ve been appointed to be a disappointment so I can point others to the one who will never disappoint.”

It’s my honor to be a disappointment to the glory of God!

(end of quote)

I am still wrapping my head around that.  I like it, it's comforting, it's challenging.  I'm just not quite sure how it works.  How exactly do I point people to Jesus when I disappoint them, especially if it's inadvertent?

But still, an amazing concept.

And this is certainly the truth: the only one who will always be there for you and understand you and satisfy the deepest longings of your soul is Jesus.

 

 Quote of the Day:

"I felt so. . . in the presence of, almost . . . ANGELS."

--a guy who met my children in town and called to tell me about it.  Yes, he would be disappointed if he spent more time with them, but it would be good for him.