Friday, March 29, 2019

Writing People Off

Sometimes I write people off.

One thing tips the scales and that's IT, I'm DONE. No more. Deal BREAKER.

This seldom happens with people I actually know. I know humans are nuanced, complicated, and full of contradictions. Much as I'd like people to be all good or all bad, I know they're not. For instance, my mom was funny, creative, brave, and generous, but the truth is she passed on some unhealthy and sinful patterns that I'm still trying to overcome. I recognize her humanity and the complicated factors in her life. I wouldn't think of writing her off. She was a treasure.

However.

When it comes to authors and such, I try to be tolerant and then one thing tips the scales and ka-whishk, [sound of sword slicing the air] that's IT.

Many Christian women have read Debbie Pearl's book, Created to Be His Helpmeet, which seems to be the book of choice that well-meaning and cruel people give to women in struggling marriages. 

I had heard of it, so I decided to read it. 

And I got to the garbage episode.

As I recall, Mr. Pearl, whom Mrs. Pearl holds up as a hunky, wise, amazing man of God, is taking out a bag of garbage. Mrs. Pearl is watching from an upstairs window as he winds up in very macho fashion and pitches that bag of garbage...on the edge of the dumpster, where it spills all over.

Mr. Pearl looks miffed and walks off, leaving the mess.

Mrs. Pearl laughs and laughs at her funny husband, then goes downstairs and happily picks up all the spilled garbage.

Are. You. Kidding. Me?

As my hunky, wise, amazing man of God husband said, "What in the world? You wouldn't even tolerate that behavior in a 15-year-old."

So I wrote off Debbie Pearl right there, although my sister says, and I grudgingly have to agree, that her description later on of the three types of husbands is spot-on.

[Later: full disclosure: I recalled today (Thank you, Holy Spirit) that one time years ago I gave a copy of Created to be His Helpmeet to a woman because I thought she deserved a dose of Debbie Pearl. I regret this. It was cruel.]

We had to read lots of Larry Crabb's books for the counseling course we took. I am trying to think of a diplomatic way to write that I hated his writing style. Even so, I plowed on, making up hashtags to describe his message--#yourenotactuallyhappy #orniceeither #youhavewrongmotives #13layersdown.

But then on about page 65 of I think it was Bold Love we read how he got frustrated with the little plastic band holding a packet of new socks together--and we have all endured this little frustration if we are lucky enough to have new socks--but he interpreted it as proof that deep inside, he hated God.

DONE. That's IT. I can't even hear anything else you say. Who has time to think like this?

"Bear with me here," he pleaded. "Keep reading."

Nope. I'm done. I kept reading only for the assignment's sake, but he had left me far behind.

[Oops. I just went to verify my sources here and realized it's NOT a Larry Crabb book after all. The author is Dan Allender, with some help from Tremper Longman. Well, Larry and Dan are definitely cut from the same cloth in terms of writing style and making life awfully complicated, so I had a similar reaction to both.]

Then there was the preacher from Pennsylvania who came to our church. How this subject came up in a revival meeting sermon I'll never know, but he insisted that women's ski suits were immodest.

All my interest in his talk screeched to a halt right there. Ski suits? Those bulky inch-thick full-coverage garments worn over layers of other garments?

After the service, my intrepid daughter asked him to clarify. Had he really said that? Did he really mean it?

Yes and yes. He said disrespectfully, like how dare she ask?

I wrote him off then and there, and also determined that no daughter of mine would come within ten yards of him, ever again. CA.REE.PY. 

I also wrote off Stan Dale. I feel bad about this, because my husband admires the man and has often had his students read his biography.

Stan Dale was a flamboyant missionary to a tribe in the mountains of Irian Jaya. However, he wasn't the first missionary there. He and his family were preceded by a Dutch family. The Dutchman had tried to make their house warmer in the damp mountainous chill by cutting vents above the doorways between the rooms so the warm air could circulate better.

Well. Stan Dale was all about being a tough soldier for Jesus, so when he and his wife and little children moved into the house the Dutch family vacated, he plugged up the vent holes, lest they all get too comfortable.

He lost me right there.

I know he did amazing things for the Gospel, was courageous and committed, and ended up being martyred, and as a result many of the tribe came to faith.

But I am stuck on those vent holes and his miserable little children and his poor patient wife, stuck in the wilds of Irian Jaya in a cold house with such a husband and no way to escape.

I am quite sure he could have been just as heroic if he had been considerate of his family.

I know the risk of sharing all this, because I also write and speak. Do I want people to trip over one thing and immediately write off me and everything I have to say?

Actually, I happen to know that that's already happened, judging from a few letters I've gotten. I think Paul taking me to a college football game was a dealbreaker for some readers who don't believe in attending sporting events.

I see a big difference between readers and real people. I expect my family to give and receive grace as we all work life out together. We know each other's faults but we are stuck, so we're going to love and enjoy each other despite our differences.

But readers have the privilege of writing me off. I think that's part of the package, and writers have to acknowledge that. I stand by my use of the word "kids" for "children," posting a "lie" on April Fools Day one year, Paul taking me to a game, and joining Facebook.

But if those were dealbreakers for you, and you can't hear anything else I say, that's your right and privilege. Although if that's the case, I guess you won't be reading this.

51 comments:

  1. This tickled me. I know what you mean. For example, I once asked a popular Mennonite preacher a genuine question relating to a topic he shared on. Instead of offering his thoughts on the subject, he sympathized with my feelings. Uggghhhh! It was a bit harder to listen to him after that.

    I'm always working toward being more thoughtful and less judgmental.

    (Btw, I can't help secretly wondering if my writing turns you off...Lol.)

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    1. Rest assured that I love your writing, even if I'm jealous of your ability to outline and to jot notes on your phone.
      And sorry to laugh about your conversation with the preacher, but you would relate well to my daughters who get fed up with feely conversations.

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  2. "I see a big difference between readers and real people."

    Thanks for letting us all know that you don't consider us readers real people. :-)

    In other news, your column makes me wonder what Mrs. Pearl would look like wearing new socks and a ski suite while trying to stay warm at a football game in the mountains of Irian Jaya.

    PS: I just discovered a spelling error in your post. (Hint: You spelled the same word differently in two places. "Places" is a bonus hint.)

    PPS: I wonder which of these observations might be enough for Mrs. Smucker to write me off.

    PPPS: Please give your fine husband my greetings.

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    1. The Baritone3/29/2019 8:02 AM

      @Dwight Gingerich:

      "In other news, your column makes me wonder what Mrs. Pearl would look like wearing new socks and a ski suite while trying to stay warm at a football game in the mountains of Irian Jaya."

      This has got to be the funniest sentence ever posted in the comment section of this blog!! Thanks for the laughs!

      PS: I hope she would wear wool socks, for her own sake.
      PPS: I've read one book that was partly about Stanley Dale, but I didn't remember that that it was possible for anyone to feel a chill ANYWHERE in Irian Jaya. Wow.

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    2. Dwight--thanks for the comment. The mental image of Mrs. Pearl is. . . entertaining.
      PS. The spelling error is corrected--thanks.
      PPS. None of them. Nor have I written off your longer and more serious writings.
      PPPS. Gladly.

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    3. To the Baritone--I liked that comment too. Such a mental picture...
      Apparently in the high altitudes of IJ it's cool and damp. Who'd have thought?

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  3. Rosina, there are probably a few more of us wondering the same thing. I chuckled as I read, while at the same time I was breathing a sigh of relief that neither Dorcas or her daughter were in my workshops at REACH.�� Lolita

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    1. Lolita, I would have loved listening to your workshops!

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    2. Lolita, I was sorry to miss your workshop, and please know that any friend of Laura's is a friend of mine, plus you get a free pass for life because you introduced me to cheeseburger soup.

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  4. I do this sometimes. But sometimes I don’t when I probably should. And yet other times I do when maybe I shouldn’t.....

    Just this last Sunday I was listening to a sermon and enjoying it immensely. The preacher told a story about a particular way he disciplined his children. I found it ridiculous and offensive.

    I have no idea what he said after that.

    Debi Pearls book has been one that has caused to fight with great amounts of guilt over not having her ideal marriage. For years.

    There is much I agree with in it. But have yet to achieve her ideal. Perhaps I should have been Done sooner.

    I think I am now finally.

    Also, I think the thing I love most about your writing is the fact that you have these opinions and are not afraid to voice them.
    And that you went to a football game and call your children kids. 😊

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    1. Thanks, Beth, and all the best with marriage and figuring out what advice works and what shouldn't be listened to.

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  5. This resonates so much with me... So practical, and so reasonable!

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  6. You know, people tend to put writers, preachers on a pedestal and when they do not quite measure up to their expectations they get offended easily. (I had to learn this with my preacher-grandfather who I greatly admired - I learned first hand he also needed a Savior.) But then some have such a big ego they refuse to seriously listen to objections which is a huge turn-off. In any case, we are given the freedom to listen or not. And for me, I have written off a lot writers, speakers so I can well relate to your angst.

    Enjoyed this article, by the way. Well written.

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    1. Thanks. I totally understand people getting offended when the writer or speaker shows a bit of normal humanity, but I also feel if they cross a line we need to say Enough.

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  7. And here I thought I was the only one that thought that way about Debbi Pearls book. 🙂

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  8. Wow, I enjoyed this post. I think people (writers and preachers and speakers) have the power to persuade; listeners (or readers) have the power to discern. When we discern an untruth or dissonance then we turn them off. At least I do. After hearing the untruth or hypocrisy or dissonance or whatever else is the turn off, it is difficult to trust the rest of the message.

    I've never found any reason to "turn off" your writings, you are honest, humble and engaging. I'd love to be your neighbor and visit regularly because you have such a delightful sense of humor and your faith comes through in everything your write. Keep up the good work.

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    1. Thank you. I like that contrast: the power to persuade vs. the power to discern.

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  9. This made me laugh. It is a relief to find that I'm not the only one who does this, though I really do try to learn what I can from others, even when I'm turned off by something they do or say. This is one reason that I like when writers become friends in real life, I see them and their words with much more grace.
    Gina

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    1. I so agree--it's easier to see the big picture and give grace when we know the person.

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  10. This was hilarious....thanks for the great laugh...I'm still laughing!

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  11. Thank you Dorcas for your honesty. I have had to write off many of the popular Christian women personalities because many of them have wrong theology.
    I have read Created to Be His Helpmeet. I'll have to find that part again about the trash and read it again. There are definitely things in that book I disagree with and considering not recommending it to any wife or soon to be wife.

    I've never heard of Stan Dale. I think I'll Google about him.
    I've had to write off some Bloggers in the past because they did or said things that were so unbiblical. I've always enjoyed your writings Dorcas. They are always refreshing so I definitely don't plan to write you off!☺
    Btw, how is your dear Dad?

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    1. Thank you, Regina.
      Dad is doing pretty well. He was diagnosed with high blood pressure recently for the first time and is on medication. Other than that he's reading, writing letters, all his usual activities.

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  12. We are all people who have been made in God's likeness, but we have sinned and come short of the glory of God. People are who they are, why is it any of my business as to how they choose to conduct their lives? In my mind, it isn't any of my business! It is my job to accept them as they are; they were not made to live according to MY interpretation of God's standards, how they interpret God's standards is their issue, not mine. I have to ask myself sometimes how the world would be if all were like me--- we are all different and that is what makes the world go around! You are free to disagree with me, I will not be offended in any way.

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    1. I agree with you to a point, and I aspire to be this unruffled by others. I draw a harder line when they're held up as examples or telling me how to live my life.

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  13. Thanks for the honest article, Dorcas. I can very much relate to your thoughts.
    I have long been puzzled why Anabaptists tend to view Debbi Pearl books in such a positive light. I suggest reading this article by Tim Challies about the book: https://www.challies.com/book-reviews/created-to-be-his-help-meet/

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  14. Bahahaha! I positively love you. If only I had half the courage. . . . N

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    1. Not sure "courage" is the word I would pick,but I'll take it.

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  15. Yes, we are all entitled to our own opinions.But to publicly name people as "write offs" is unkind and just WRONG.

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    1. As the Scriptures say, "Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear."

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  16. I could have written as my-self but I am writing as an anonymous. I’ve always been written off. In bible school, I was too confident when I stepped out of the car on arrival, stuck out my hand and said, “hi, my name is…” I suspect I was supposed to be visibly shaking and looking around in terror because I might spot my future husband—the bishops son or something. But no they wanted to pair me with a converted addict, who is still an addict to today. Thankfully, God spoke to me and said, “No, not that one!!” Thankfully, I was welcomed by others in other places—some Mennonite, some not. I remember being introduced by you once, with your disclaimer, “I don’t agree with this person’s views.” Not sure what was so terrible about “my views and thoughts” but okay many are the same as the former missionary and now the pastor’s wife from the western coast. But okay, it all sounds a bit more respectable from someone who is the wife of a Mennonite minister and not from this person doomed to be a black sheep since childhood. Yes, that was when I started to “distance myself” and yes we do know each other, personally...like the other gaggle of like-minded folks. So, a bit reticent to be brothers and sisters in Christ but not holding my breath. I hear you...I hear where you are coming from. Those 3 authors, and also Mrs. Pearl are a bit hard to swallow as a free woman, made in God's image, under God's authority, but I'm glad I didn't say so first.

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    1. Wow. I have no memory of this but I trust yours. If you want to tell me more about it, you can email me. dorcassmucker@gmail.com

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    2. The Baritone4/01/2019 6:54 PM

      @anonymous:
      I could be totally wrong here, but maybe you went to the wrong Bible school? Or perhaps the students/people in charge had their own set of issues they should've dealt with earlier? Just a couple of wild guesses, as I don't know details and probably don't want to know.
      Sometimes people just don't hit it off with each other, whether because of differing views on "life, love, & other mysteries", or any of a multitude of other reasons. I have no idea whether I know you or not, but I'm sorry you've had to deal with so much...negativity, for lack of a better word. Keep in mind, though, that it's Dorcas' right to speak (write) what she thinks, whether you or I agree with it or not, just as much as each of us are entitled to agree or disagree with her viewpoints. God made us all differently, that's just how it is. We will all, to an extent, agree and disagree with different people/groups of people. I don't advocate making enemies, but we don't all have to be best friends, as nice as that may be.
      For what it's worth, it sounds to me like you don't think too highly of Mrs. Pearl either, and that's okay. If I thought hard enough, I could probably come up with some authors I didn't care for, myself.
      :-)

      PS-If you are serious about all this, it's good you didn't wait until today to post what you did, otherwise I would've simply said, "good joke", as today is the first day of April. :-)

      PPS-Dorcas, keep posting your thoughts, as that is what blogs are for, and apparently you have a lot of interesting readers as well as posts. :-)

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    3. Baritone--thanks for your kind words and well-put thoughts.

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  17. Thank you for a very, very funny post.

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    1. Thank you for catching on that I was writing tongue-in-cheek.

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  18. Eph 4:31&32 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

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    1. 1 Timothy 5:20 Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear.

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  19. One thing I can't help but say...I do not like when people call children kids, and I would like to tell you why. I don't think its respectful, because kids are baby goats, and Jesus said that at the judgement, the goats will be on His left. However, there are many references to us being His sheep, so I don't mind if people call my children lambs. :)
    But. This doesn't make me write you off. Not saying I disagree with some of your thoughts on those other authors. I don't care for the Pearl theories myself, but I try to be careful how vocal I am. They are humans created in God's image, and as such, worthy of respect.
    I have read and enjoyed your writing, and I own the book Fragrant Whiffs of Joy. I won't throw it away because you call children kids. :) I write, too, and would like to emulate you in some aspects. I'm glad you still write at your age; it encourages me that I can write for a long time yet.

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    1. Thanks for your thoughts. I had to laugh at your last sentence because I hope to live as long as my dad. If I'm like him, I still have 40 or 50 years of writing ahead of me.

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  20. I had that reaction to Dave Ramsey as soon as I read an article he had posted about things rich people do that poor people do not do---basically blaming poor people for their poverty because they make/have made bad choices. "Poor-shaming" lost me right there.

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    1. We are given those gut reactions for a reason.

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  21. I like you. ;) I read a book once (actually part of a book)on overcoming hurts and anger. The longer I read, the angrier I felt. At some point I realized what it was doing and put it down and read no more. It might be a good book. The author might be an ok person. But he doesn't have what helps me. Amen.

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    1. You put that much better than I did.

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  22. I am Lovina, the "unknown" in the previous comment. Maybe you could help me out with something that confuses me. I'm not scared to write my name on my comments. But what do I write in the URL line of the comment form?

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    1. Sigh. I don't have very many options with comment moderation. If I don't have any sign-in, then I get tons of spam. Sorry it's so confusing.

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    2. I was blaming my own tech un-savvy self, not you!☺

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    3. The Baritone4/10/2019 10:04 PM

      I just type out my comment, then click through the options under "Reply as" until I find the one that says "Name/URL". I fill out the "Name" box and leave the "URL" area blank. Hope that helps, if no one else has given you any solutions yet. :-)

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