Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Jenny's Conscience

How do you deal with a child with a too-sensitive conscience?

When Jenny does something wrong she feels bad completely out of proportion to the offense. Yesterday she and I were out in the garden and she accidentally pulled out part of a tomato plant, thinking it was a weed. She confessed in tears, hugged me, apologized, hugged me again, cried some more. And later, despite all my reassurances, she again told me she was so sorry before she went to bed.

This is a stark contrast to some of her siblings who I would have sworn/affirmed didn’t even have a conscience at her age. I could scold, explain, punish, and talk til the cows came home and it wouldn’t matter to them that they had hurt someone else or their property.

I was starting to conclude that a conscience must be something that kids inherit from dads and not moms, since none of my children had my hyper-sensitive conscience issues and could have used a little bit in my opinion.

But now Jenny is acting like this.

Quote of the Day:
“Mom, when cats are eating a mouse, there’s always this sound that sounds like you when you eat bread.”
--Jenny
(Ok, I know my jaw clicks when I eat but I didn’t know it was THAT bad.)

14 comments:

  1. Dorcas,
    My only child has special needs, so don't have an answer.

    But I have to laugh, because if she had pulled out my tomato plant, I would have thought she needed to REPENT, BE SORRY!
    Last year, I had no garden. This year, I have ONLY tomatoes. (They're all I have time for.) Today, I got 17 yellow ones off one plant!
    Sometimes parents of children with specials escape some challenges facing parents of typical children.

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  2. Dorcas, I love Jenny's comment! When I was younger and my mom's jaw would do this clicking act, I would get thoroughly disgusted-grossed out-or something like that. I just didn't like it! Now I find mine doing the same thing! But to be likened to a cat eating a mouse.....that's got a little too much imagination in it!

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  3. Dorcas, ask Bonnie how to deal with it. The twins apologized over everything. Their brother used to sleep at the top of the hall and as the twins traipsed past on their nightly confessional trek to moms room he would start singing "Just as I am!" They hated that!

    I dont recall right off how old Jenny is but the twins went through this around ages 12 - 14 if I recall correctly.

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  4. So which is better to handle? If you understand the question. Is it easier to spank and hope they develope a conscience or bend over backwards reaffriming them.

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  5. I have always been like that: I have this horrible guilt complex that just eats me alive, no matter how much I or someone else tells me it's okay. I even feel guilty if I can't find an open spot in the designated employee area and have to park in the customers' zone...

    My mom says she has this guilt thing too, and that it must be a recessive gene, because my siblings don't have much of an overactive conscience at all.

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  6. Glen--not sure which type of child is easier since both don't seem to 'get' what I'm saying. However, I think I prefer a sensitive conscience to none at all. But, like Janna said and I know from experience, this kind of conscience can eat a person alive. But isn't that better than running roughshod over the rest of the world and refusing to recognize it?

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  7. Seeing as how I am one of the kids Mom was referring to that didn't have a conscience...I would rather have no conscience at 6 years old than have one that is oversensitive. It seems like it is much more likely for a conscienceless child to develop one as they get older(like me) than for an oversensitive child to become less sensitive(like one of my friends who shall remain anonymous)

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  8. Ah, Matt, I think you may be right, but overactive consciences are not hopeless cases by any stretch! It's just a difficult thing a person must confront and deal with, but it's possible.

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  9. Oh dear...over sensitive consciences are not a nice thing to deal with...Believe me..I know!!

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  10. Was Jenny around when the boys ruined the apples? She may think the tomatoes are as precious to you as the apples were - not distinguishing between an "accident" and thoughtless destruction of food. Perhaps she has determined she will never contribute to family stress. Undoubtedly she loves you totally despite the fact that you sound like a cat eating a mouse!!!!

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  11. A tender conscience is truly a gift from the Lord. However, over-apology is not.

    Observe. An over-apologetic adult also carries a low self-image whether or not they'd admit it. The same applies to the person whose world crashes in if they make a mistake.

    The person who has a solid grounding recognizing their position in Christ capitalizes on that. Therefore a mistake or two is OK. Life can go on!

    Or the person with enough credibility behind their name has a good bank account of allowed mistakes. Thus no need for over-apologies.

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  12. These discussions always fascinate me because I can totally NOT identify!

    When I was a kid I never apologized for anything unless I was forced to, and then I only did it because I had to. The Lord will probably get me someday by giving me an over-sensitive child who I will have NO CLUE how to deal with!
    My family would laugh.......

    Ag

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  13. No, Ag, I think the Lord will send you a child JUST LIKE YOU.

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  14. OH NO! That is even more scary!!!!! I think one of "me" in this life is far more than I can deal with......

    Ag

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