Something to Think About

I get a weekly email from a web place called Absolute Write, and it always includes a Discussion of the Week. Here's an exerpt from this week's:

macallister made a comment last night that has vexed me ever since. basically it was about whether or not the intent of the author should trump the interpretation of the reader.my opinion, as i stated in response to her, is that the intent of the writer should prevail. i believe that the full experience relies on full understanding. even if it moves you in a very personal and vulnerable part of your heart, if you are misunderstanding it, then impression you've gotten from it, even if you embrace it, even if it's life-changing, is based on a lie.

I have been grappling with this same question in slightly different terms: if someone takes what I wrote differently from what I meant, is it my fault or his/hers? The answer to this seemed obvious to me during an email conversation after my latest article came out. If you read it, you might recall that I wrote about friendships and how, when I lived on an Indian reservation,my one simple requirement for a friend was that she knew how to speak English.

I got an email in response that said, essentially: "Do you realize how awfully racist you come across with your English-only statement?"
I wrote back: I did not speak Cree very well, and friendship for me means sharing from my heart, which requires a shared language, in this case English. If you have had a close friendship with someone who didn't share your language, I admire you.
She wrote back, essentially: I figured you didn't mean to sound racist but all of us sometimes come across different than we mean so I'm glad you see the light now.

I was irked, as it seemed to me that my sensible email hadn't made the slightest difference in her thinking.

So, was the burden of proof mine or hers? Whose problem was it if I came across as racist to her? I like to think my intention was clear and she was simply a bit skewed in her thinking, since no one else seemed to read the same thing into it.

But it's not always this easy. I have, several times, talked with preachers who I felt were making very strong statements such as, "If you can't agree with everything your church does, you should be attending somewhere else." When I ask them about it afterwards, they backpedal rapidly and say, "Oh, well, I didn't mean it that way exactly. Perhaps I came across stronger than I intended."

In this case, I feel like they ought to change what they're saying. I don't feel the burden should be mine to discern whether or not they feel as strongly (and often harshly) as they come across.

But how does this relate to the woman who found my article racist?

And we may as well mention here that while I found the stories about Frank Kropf humorous and blogged about them simply as a bit of interesting history, it turns out that others in the extended family felt that they were very one-sided and should have also included the fact that Frank mellowed in his old age and was a very generous, innovative, hardworking, Christian man.

Did I imply that he was a one-dimensional, angry man? I didn't mean to, but if someone took it that way, is the problem mine or theirs?

Quote of the Day:
"According to the annoyingness of the brother, so shalt the sister tickle him."
--Emily