I believe God created us to be people, first of all, and
then either male or female. He also
designed roles appropriate for each gender, and this is the part where people in the
Western world, both believers and non-, erupt in your face like this old
rooster we used to have, with terrible squawks and flapping feathers.
Things haven’t gone so well in our culture, family-and-relationship-wise,
what with divorces and young single pregnant women and absconding fathers and
cheating partners. And an awful lot of
chaos and unhappiness.
The Bible says that men and women are equal before God in
terms of value but different in design and therefore different in the roles
they fill best.
Maybe we should all try the Biblical pattern for a month and
see what happens.
But this is not a specific how-to.
Many years ago I got married. I realized that those Bible verses about
wives submitting to husbands now applied to me.
Wow. How was that
supposed to work? I was a
Bible-believing Christian so I’d better get busy.
I asked Paul. He
said, “Huh? I don’t know. Don’t worry about it.”
But I did worry about it, which probably wasn’t very
submissive.
One day I realized that the command was God telling wives to
submit, not telling husbands to make sure their wives submitted to them. So the issue was entirely between me and God.
I also came to realize that submission for me meant trusting
God to work in Paul’s life and not me making it my job to nag, or to protect either
of us from the consequences of his choices.
It also meant communicating.
I was a hinter but Paul was a guy who needed a two by four.
It eventually worked out to something of a four-step process.
1. Tell
Paul exactly how I think and feel, loud and clear. One time.
2. Be
quiet.
3. Pray
hard.
4. Watch
God work.
Because there was plenty to watch. It was astonishing, the things that happened
when I communicated clearly and then backed off and prayed, stuff I could never
have orchestrated on my own. I took this
as God’s blessing on my decisions.
Since I am that sort of person, I thought I would share this
insight with the good people who read the Mennonite Sunday school papers. I wrote up an article and Christian Light
accepted it.
I thought I had made it very clear that this was my
experience and I couldn’t speak for anyone else.
But women everywhere took it as some sort of new edict from
above—Proverbs 32. Ladies’ Sunday school
teachers read it to their classes. A
woman from New Jersey wrote to me and asked for advice because she wanted to
wear a head covering—which shows submission, you know--but her husband didn’t
want her to and what should she do?
One woman I know hid the article so her husband wouldn’t
read it.
And at a wedding in Missouri, an elderly woman buttonholed
me and said, “I don’t know what to do! You
wrote that I should just tell my husband stuff one time, but he won’t take his
vitamins unless I remind him several times!”
I was horrified. “I
am not married to your husband!” I said, and I thought, “Thank you Lord.”
I also said, “You have to figure out what works for you!”
Some time later, Lamp and Light asked to translate the
article into Spanish. I said yes, but
added, “Make sure you make it clear this was my experience and I can’t speak
for everyone!”
That’s the trouble with writing about gender and marriage. Some people are all about formulas. And having someone tell you exactly what to do
in every circumstance. And about taking
a writer way too seriously.
You need to worry about what God says and what works for
you. Not what I think.
The Bible says a man’s role in the family is to lead,
provide, and protect. And to love.
A woman’s is to help and keep and submit. And to respect.
You figure it out from there.
Both men and women are supposed to love God, pursue justice,
love mercy, be reconciled, forgive, repent, be kind, remember the poor, be
thankful, keep your vows, and about a hundred other things that apply to you regardless of
gender or marital status. If you are
both doing all that, the lead/submit matter will not be a big deal in your
marriage.
I never thought I would be in the same camp as Lady Gaga on
any matter, ever, on this planet, but my fine son Matt just sent me this, adding, "Lady Gaga, of all people.":
"Yes,
actually," the 27-year-old said. "He's totally in charge. I mean,
when I am home, I am like, shoes are off, I'm making him dinner. He has a job,
too, and he is really busy!"
"I'm
in charge all day long, the last thing I want to do is tell him what to
do," she explained. "It's not good for relationships to tell men what
to do."
Frankly, she’s more submissive than I am.
Like I said, if this idea makes you angry, maybe you should try
it for a month and see what happens. If
God blesses you for it, you might decide to keep on.
If Lady Gaga and I can figure this out, so can you.
Tomorrow: Gender roles in society and the bell curve.
Very good post. I'm enjoying the series, partly because I like to read your blog, and it's a treat to find a new post every day!
ReplyDeleteFor some reason I cannot quit giggling. You put this thing down in words, no less, and I think it cool but I can't quit laughing. You are great.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely wonderful! And a hearty 'Amen sister!' to you! This has worked well in our marriage as well... though I still forget the 'say it *once* clearly' part when I 'really, really' want him to hear me. But when I do remember, which I usually do, it is so much better for our marriage! And, popular or not, it is God's design, and therefore it is good. Best part is, the more I follow it, the more God launches me into His call for my life, through my husband. It's not limiting, it is empowering!
ReplyDeleteGreat thoughts here, and i agree, there are times i've been amazed to see God work in situations that I've given to Him in our marriage. But always remembering to apply that is hard sometimes... :/
ReplyDeleteA testimony--I used to have absolutely terrible allergies. My allergist tested yearly and applied a number to the severity of each allergen. Between two of those testings I stopped being in charge in our marriage and began to submit to my husband. My allergy numbers were less than half at the next testing after years of them staying pretty much level. It would seem that living by God's plan for me as a wife took so much stress off of my immune system that my health improved. What a blessing it is to obey God and my husband.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your balanced perspective on this! Very well and simply said, and very non-judgmental.
ReplyDelete