Sunday, May 18, 2008

Whining, Empathy, Sighs, etc.

I've gotten hints from two people (Amy, and Bernice from Kenya) that I really should post again, which makes me kind of "botsich" as my mom used to say, because it means someone actually reads this. Real people, too, not just anonymous forms from who-knows-where.

So I will rattle and ramble because I don't know what to post about, and most of this will be whining and complaining I'm afraid.

The opposite of botsich is humble, and there's plenty to keep me humble these days, such as the state of this house, which suddenly has erupted in clutter and dirt. What is the deal, do I ignore it all winter because I have SAD? Or does it just explode when the weather turns warm? Terrible, the dust in the shadows, and I can't catch up with it to save my life.

Other women always seem to have everything under control and if I let myself I can get really jealous. Such as my friend Rachel, who has a lovely clean house and fantastic flower beds and two little girls whose dresses are all sewed at the beginning of the season.

Rachel told me I can transplant my roses whenever I want. "Roses are so tough, they can take about anything." Well, famous last words, as Mom used to say. I transplanted 5 rose plants out of the bed and into a row beside the house, watering and fertilizing and babying them like everything, and they are dying like everything too. Arrgghh. Just withering up.

We've had the most indescribably gorgeous weather the last few days, even hitting a record-breaking 95 degrees which was a bit much but you can take anything after a long winter of cold and rain as long as you have a glass of iced tea. I've been spending hours outside in the flower beds which may be why the house is going to pot.

Last week Ben and Steven had two choir concerts and did tear-jerkingly well. And now they're done for the summer but Jenny will continue with piano and Steven will begin lessons as well, and Jenny is all botsich because she will actually be ahead of Steven in something.

Graduation is on Thursday night and Emily will graduate by the school board's mercy and finish her work later. It has been a long hard winter on so many levels, with Matt and Amy leaving home and Emily being sick and my SAD and all. I was very stoic for most of it but now that it's about over (at least winter's over and Amy's coming home Thursday) I suddenly have the weeps. Caring for a chronically ill child has to be one of the more emotionally draining jobs in the universe and thinking of all her losses is just plain hard.

Actually I wasn't doing so badly until on Sunday someone talked to me about it, which is nothing new, but this person had actually been through something very similar and her heartfelt empathy put me right over the edge and I have been honestly grieving like I haven't for the past 8 months. How odd is that.

Empathy is an interesting thing. Plenty of people talk to me about Emily's situation, and this is all good and I appreciate it, but I can tell in about 30 seconds who has experienced something like this and who hasn't. Many people provide sympathy, and they can care deeply and be very nice and helpful, but it's the empathetic people who crack my walls of determined bravery and let me cry all those tears I didn't even know were dammed up inside.

I don't know that I'd say it's my primary love language like it is for my sister Rebecca, but it's certainly on my list. (And no, Gary Chapman doesn't list it among his famous five but Gary Chapman doesn't know everything.)

I can't offer you much if your husband is cheating or you're afraid of spiders or you dread having devotions at sewing circle, but if you ever have to deal with long-term illness in yourself or a child, come to me and I'll give you more empathy than you ever asked for.

I think that was kind of a rabbit trail there.

This is how my life goes: Hansie is shedding so bad his yellow fur hangs in ragged tufts and gets scattered all over the yard. So the other day Steven brushed him good and gave him a bath. Ah, wonderful, another cleaning job off my list. Then Hansie promptly went up on the porch and shook himself and spattered cloudy doggy water all over the glass patio doors.

I made two cheesecakes on Saturday, one for the school picnic and one for Sunday dinner, in an attempt to rack up a few housewife points, using Bonnie the fantastic cook's recipe, which was supposed to be done in 50 minutes. An hour and a half later they still jiggled in the middle. After almost two hours I had to grab them out of the oven and go, and hot cheesecake isn't exactly a prizewinning dessert, and this is also how my life goes.

I often think of how most Western women in Kenya, and even the middle-class Kenyan women, would never in their wildest nightmares be solely responsible for a family, cleaning, cooking, laundry, yard work, animals, and cleaning vehicles. If this place were transported to Kenya I would have probably two inside and two outside workers, at least. In fact, they tended to be so overstaffed over there that you'd see a man outside slowly sweeping the flower petals off the driveway.

And yet other women around here do it. I wonder how. It's a mystery to me.

I did go speak to a ladies' group in Salem on Saturday, which I enjoyed as always and they laughed out loud and applauded and even bought a few books, so that was a bit of balm for my housewifely inferiority, but it doesn't get the upstairs shower scrubbed and of course none of the housewives that I compare myself with ever come hear me speak. Sigh.

"How do you conquer discouragement?" wondered the Sunday school teacher yesterday, and one man said, "Count your blessings" which I thought was very simplistic but maybe I should try it.
Emily still makes me laugh and the West Nile hasn't destroyed her humor, praise God.
Amy comes home Thursday and will no doubt help me whip the house into shape.
Paul never complains about my housekeeping and thinks I'm a good cook.
We've had beautiful green warm evenings in which we could eat supper on the porch.
Ah yes, life is good.

Quote of the Day:
(Outside, cleaning up this evening)
Me: Here, go put this hatchet away and don't scalp anyone on the way.
Ben: Oh man, why do you always gotta ruin all the fun?

22 comments:

  1. If it's any consolation, my house always goes to heck when the warm weather first makes an appearance. Who can resist gardening and just being outside, and who wants to do indoor chores when it's finally this nice outside!

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  2. Oh, and by the way I tagged you on my blog details here

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  3. I often wonder how "those women" do it all. Sometimes I wonder if they are just boring people, having nothing better to do than clean all day. A friend once said to me that she wished she could call in to work with "something better to do." That's how I feel about housework. There is always something more fun to be done. Alas, there is still laundry that must be done, meals to be cooked, etc.

    Thank you for posting even though you didn't feel like it.

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  4. Amen to the differences between sympathy and empathy! There truly is a difference! Having the opportunity to talk to some who really KNOWS makes all the difference some days. Hmmm, I'm sensing an overuse of "difference", but it is rainy and dreary here and my brain just won't come up with another word. :-( This is why you write books ... and I, well, do not. ;-)

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  5. I had a friend who completely housecleaned her single wide mobile home TWICE within two months of having her first child.
    I cannot understand how these women's minds work but I think I'm moving to Kenya. My rose petals need sweeping.

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  6. I can't totally relate to caring for a chronically ill child, but I can imagine it must be something like caring for a parent who has dementia. Very taxing, very trying, very frustrating. I often said the difference between raising a child and caring for my mother was that my son learned -- albeit gradually, but he did learn. With Mom, I could explain over and over and over and it just couldn't sink in. Ten months with me and she couldn't understand I was her daughter, not the administrator of the "assisted living facility" in which she thought she was living.
    A Virginia reader.

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  7. Hire a housekeepr. Thats what I do. When I started homeschooling it became quickly apparent that I couldnt keep up on everything so for the last year and a half I have a housekeepr. It makes a world of dif.

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  8. I often stand in amazement myself at the women that always seem to have their houses in perfect order, etc. I think though that many stand in amazement of a person such as yourself who has managed to be a great mother of six and still squeeze several books and speaking engagements in with them. Now that's amazing.
    --LaDonna

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  9. Well, of course I am one of those "anonymous forms from who-knows-where" who read your blog... but another blessing for you to count are all of those friends who you know enjoy reading your writing... and all of us "anonymous forms" who, while not direct friends, have come to appreciate your perspective and way you handle the challenges you share with us.

    When my frustrations add up, and SAD is running high, if I take the time to meditate on Zephaniah 3:15... it gets better.

    "The LORD your God is with you,
    he is mighty to save.
    He will take great delight in you,
    he will quiet you with his love,
    he will rejoice over you with singing."

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  10. Okay, there are balances in everything. Maybe your "dirty" house keeps you humble but you can surely be "botsich" over the wonderful choir concerts your sons put on. Sure, you could have been home cleaning your house instead of running the boys to choir practice...but which are the boys going to remember 40 years from now? I think you are too hard on yourself!!! Pauline

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  11. Well, I guess I lost a bet with myself...I was just sure your comments would be full of advice about roses!

    If it makes you feel any better my house is pretty yucky too. I feel like putting it all in a box and donating it to Goodwill.

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  12. When I was growing up, we used the word botsich as meaning selfish and or bossy.I never knew it meant proud. I enjoy reading your blog.~Glenda

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  13. This blog is great! Now I'm really sorry I didn't meet you when you were here in Feb. Maybe on your next Florida trip:)
    Rose petals? I'm too busy to smell them, let alone sweep them:O

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  14. 95 degrees?!? Try 118 in the shade.

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  15. Confucius say: Wonderful sense of humor beats spotless house. Anytime! =D

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  16. Next time, Rachel should transplant your roses.

    118 degrees?!? Try 124 in the shade.

    That said, I suspect the 95 was at her home whereas the 118 wasn't at yours. (The 124 was where I lived.)

    ;)

    Other than the extreme heat, how goes your current overseas venture, Hans? God bless you for your service.

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  17. Comments, what balm to the soul. Thanks, all of you, for the perspective, verses, and encouragement.
    To Virginia reader--you have my sympathy. Having watched my SIL take care of her dad I think it's harder than caring for a sick child.
    To Hans and Mark--please stay cool. The 95 degrees here was problematic only because it was so sudden--we were acclimated to about 60 and suddenly there's this blast of heat.

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  18. Roses tough??? I just planted a miniature rose Monday. Tuesday the flowers drooped. I can tell the giver, "I tried".

    A clean house? Well, I will have to make that happen whether I want to or not. Meeting here in 2 1/2 weeks with meal. Talk about motivation.

    God bless,
    Kim

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  19. dorcas, i will trade you lives for a week. i don't want your husband tho, (he's great as a brother in law, don't get me wrong!!) You seem to have things pretty under control in my eyes, if that counts for anything with you. :) -g.

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  20. I can give you lots of empathy for roses dying and a dirty house.
    ... what would we do without humor?
    And i just made cupcakes that really flopped, i always blame it on the altitude!
    As long as hubby is happy, the kids are eating well, let the house do as it pleases. Well, after awhile i do have to clean up or I get crabby!
    Kris

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  21. Homeschooling seven kids - makes are home looked lived in. Mary

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  22. It's good to hear that other ladies don't always have their houses spic and span at all times!! I always say life is too short to spend all my time cleaning when there are so many other fun things to do and children to take care of!! Thanks for being honest and it is okay to whine sometimes too!!! Denise

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