I've had lots of time to think as I planted the garden and cleaned the oven this week* and decided to tackle the questions that follow.
Q: I spend WAY too much time on my phone on
YouTube/Instagram, etc. to the point where I sometimes don’t go to sleep until
4 in the morning. I just can’t stop. Help!
--Sleepless in Sugarcreek
A: I’m so proud of you for putting your situation into plain
words, admitting your helplessness, and asking for help.
I don’t think I’ve ever been on my phone until 4 a.m., but I’ve
had times and periods of being online way too much. Here are some things I’ve
learned and observed about screen addiction. I also learned some of this from a
young man named Justin Doutrich who did a lot of studying on the subject of
addictions and shared it at church.
1. You are not alone. Many many people feel the same way you
do: I just can’t stop!
2. You’ve taken the huge and significant step of saying the
truth out loud. Applause for you!
3. In one sense, of course people can stop, in the moment. If
they smell smoke, they can quit scrolling and run. But in a very real sense,
you are absolutely right: you can’t stop. It is an addiction involving many of
the same patterns and brain chemicals as an addiction to alcohol or eating or hoarding.
The habit becomes bigger than you can handle on your own.
2. Addictions involve a chemical called dopamine. It gives you
a happy little boost. When you get a message on Instagram or get notified of a
new video on a channel you follow, your brain gets a little squirt of dopamine.
Soon, you get addicted to that little kick. You crave it more and more, but it
takes more and more visual input to get the same boost. So you scroll and
scroll until 4 a.m.
3. Your experience shows that YouTube and Instagram are working
exactly as they were designed to. I am not kidding. They were specifically designed
to get you hooked, just like the nicotine in cigarettes was calculated to get
people addicted. In both cases, it’s about money. Online sites live on advertising
which is driven by clicks.
4. Isolation, guilt, and shame are a big part of any addiction.
What a failure you are, what a bad excuse for a Christian, an adult, a mom,
whatever. So you try and try to do better, but keep failing. What if someone finds out? So embarrassing!
Speaking the truth and admitting you have
a problem is a huge and important step. Asking for help is another. It ends the isolation.
5. That habit/addiction has actually made physical changes in
your brain. So changing your situation will involve training new pathways in
your brain. It’s hard, but it can be done as you make better choices, over and
over.
6. My theory is that certain types of brains are more
susceptible to screen addictions and have more trouble undoing the damage. I’ve always had the ability to get utterly
lost in whatever I was reading. So I’d be dusting the living room on a Saturday
morning at age 12, and I’d pick up a Family Life magazine and start reading.
Before long I would be so immersed I’d forget about the dusting, the rest of my
chore list, and all the fun things I had hoped to do that day.
A long time
later I would come out of the fog and realize I had been reading for a very long
time, and the free time I had hoped for was unlikely to happen after all. So
then, of course, I’d feel so disappointed and berate myself and resolve to do better, only to do it all
over again the next Saturday.
Reading things online has the same effect. I can read an article and go clicking on to the next one, so utterly absorbed that I have no sense of time passing. If you have that sort of brain, I sympathize. Recognizing this weakness is important.
7. Castigating yourself and feeling bad won’t go far in making
lasting change or new grooves in your brain. You need to dig deeper. For
example, going online is often an escape from real life.
So if I’m struggling
with too much time on my phone, I ask myself, “What is it about my life that I’m
trying to escape?” Often I’m overcommitted and feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes I
have disappointment I don’t want to think about, or relationships that aren’t
going well. Scrolling through Facebook distracts me from those realities, which
feels good for a short time, but doesn’t solve anything.
So I need to work on actually fixing the things I’m trying to escape.
8. Another question to ask is, “Where am I going for comfort,
and why?” We are made for community, and we need other people and the
connection and belonging they provide.
Ultimately, Jesus is the true source of peace, comfort, belonging, and purpose. In the depths of our souls, only Jesus can truly satisfy those needs.
Going online to meet those needs is idolatry and self-destructive.
Repentance
and God’s forgiveness help to break the power of your addiction.
9. Also ask, “What else is going on in my brain?” When I wake
up at 3 a.m. with my thoughts racing and all kinds of regrets about how I
mothered 30 years ago, like that time I served the kids a snack and forgot that
Emily was still out in her little yellow swing and couldn’t get out, I have to
stop the whirling if I want to go back to sleep. What works best is a few minutes
of word games on my phone. Somehow that works. I’m ok with that
solution as long as it’s only a few minutes and I go back to sleep. If it ever turns into Too Much, I'll have to re-evaluate.
When I find myself zoning out online a lot during the day, especially in fall and winter, it’s a signal that my SAD is getting worse. If I take steps to improve the depression, such as taking walks and taking Vitamin D, I’m far less likely to get lost online.
10. Telling someone about your
problem, asking for help, and being accountable are all huge steps in forming
new and healthier habits.
I find that not only does too much time online make me feel stupid, but involving others makes me feel silly, like seriously, I can’t control this impulse on my own?
I find that not only does too much time online make me feel stupid, but involving others makes me feel silly, like seriously, I can’t control this impulse on my own?
But it works.
Accountability, for me, generally involves my daughters. I tell one or all of
them that I need to be offline for a specific amount of time, and I specify the
consequences if I fail. So I might send a group text: “Hey, I have to stay off
my phone until 9:00 tonight or I have to put $5 in the girls’ fun money.”
The fun money jar is where we collect money for our annual trips with the three
daughters and me.
That all seems ridiculous for an adult woman to have to take such measures, and
maybe it’s kind of a dumb consequence. But, like I said, it works. Thankfully,
the girls are very chill and non-shaming about it.
You need a person to tell and a silly punishment for them to apply if you mess
up. I promise, it helps.
And I hope this post helps you. You’ve already done the hard step of saying the truth out loud. Get some real-life supporters and explore some of those hard questions.
And I hope this post helps you. You’ve already done the hard step of saying the truth out loud. Get some real-life supporters and explore some of those hard questions.
Q: How conscious are you of the reader and the diverse
backgrounds and perspectives that they have when you write? And do you reword
your thoughts to reach that broad range?
--Cousin Floyd
A: Interesting questions!
I am quite conscious of my diverse readership, and yes, I’d
say I reword my thoughts to reach both the Horning Mennonite housewife in Pennsylvania and the single, secular professor in Eugene.
Someone told me once that you need to assume your readers
have enough brains to figure things out. You don’t have to explain every little
detail of Mennonite or farm life. Much can be gathered from context.
Thus, I can usually write a story of my mom or grandma, throw in some Pennsylvania Dutch words, and mention Amish customs, and people can get the gist of the story without laborious explanations.
Thus, I can usually write a story of my mom or grandma, throw in some Pennsylvania Dutch words, and mention Amish customs, and people can get the gist of the story without laborious explanations.
However, some things can’t be easily gathered from context,
and I’ve learned by lots of trial and error what they are.
After we adopted Steven, I wrote in an article that he “had a heart for
animals.” My writing group was confused. They thought it was a cool phrase, but
what did it mean, exactly?
Thus I discovered this term was used mostly within the
Christian world.
Mennonites talk about VS, coverings, layered desserts, Beachies,
the lot, and blowing the pitch. You can’t expect a non-Mennonite reader to
track you very well if you don’t explain. So, when I write non-fiction, I'm careful with tossing those terms into a paragraph.
We also refer to whole families by the husband's first name, pluralized, ["Are Johns and Philips coming to the reunion?"] and to ministers by their first name. "Paul is preaching today." No Reverend, Pastor, or even Mr.
We also refer to whole families by the husband's first name, pluralized, ["Are Johns and Philips coming to the reunion?"] and to ministers by their first name. "Paul is preaching today." No Reverend, Pastor, or even Mr.
However, I’m running into a few quandaries with the fiction I’m
working on, because I want it to be authentic without laborious explanations. Maybe Aunt Martha says, “I hear Ellie is going to VS at Hillcrest.” You know that’s
authentic cultural language. But Englisch readers won’t know what she’s talking
about. It’s tricky and I haven’t found a good way to navigate it all.
[But I think readers can pick up from context that Englisch means non-Mennonite.]
It doesn't usually work the other way, where I explain terms from the Englisch world so that Mennonite readers will understand. As a minority culture, we're all exposed to their language and know enough to get by.
Mostly, though, readers are surprisingly similar at heart,
and a good story is universal. If people don't understand all the details, at least they understand the basic plot and the emotions beneath it.
Thanks, Floyd, for being part of that diverse readership.