Dealings With Feelings

On the short list of things I am really good at is this: getting my feelings hurt.

Unfortunately.

I guess this hypersensitivity is the flip side of being able to sense people's secrets across a crowded room and of laughing out loud at subtle humor in novels.

Paul, for example, rarely gets his feelings hurt.  But then, he doesn't enjoy funny stories like I do, or feel deep raptures over apple blossoms against a blue sky.

So.  I often get my feelings hurt, and then I have to decide:

What do I do now?

I'm a Christian, that changes the rules for these things.

And I want to follow Scripture.

So, somebody says or does something hurtful.

Of course I'm supposed to forgive.

And I shouldn't spread it abroad but of course it's ok to share it privately with people close to me who can help, like my husband, daughters, sisters, sisters-in-law, a friend or two, an aunt or two, and my counselor.

[Kidding, I hope you realize.]

But then what?

Do I drop it and move on and try to laugh about it?

Or do I say something to the offender?

That is the big question for me.

Confronting is one of the hardest jobs ever.
Letting it go can mean you're avoiding the tough issues.

A few insights:

"Drop it" is for situations where:
--I'll never see the person again.
--It won't change who they are and how they operate.
--They don't want to know.


"Say something" is for situations where:
--I know they'd want to know.
--We will continue to see each other, especially when we have to work together.
--This damages our relationship, and our relationship is important to me.
--I want to protect other people they may be doing this to.


We have Proverbs19:11 NIV
"A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense."

And then we have Matthew 5:23-24, which is kind of the reverse situation but I think it applies in terms of relationships and reconciliation.

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

But...it is still very very hard sometimes to know what to do.

How do you know if you have a valid concern or you're just being whiny and wimpy?

Is it worth the very real risk that they won't hear you and it'll become a much bigger deal than it ought?


Also, so many factors weigh in: someone in authority vs. a peer; family vs. friend, male vs. female, and so on.

And: healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries, going the second mile vs. making it easy for someone to sin, etc.

Yes, I'm facing such a situation and I wish there were easy and obvious answers.

I do know this: Personally, I like to be told. It's a sign that people trust me and that they understand that I know I make lots of mistakes and say things wrong, but I'm open to changing.

A while back a woman told me that whenever I see her, I ask her [details changed here] "How is teaching going this year?" and it is very hurtful and she wishes I'd ask, "How are YOU?"

Well of course I felt bad, but I was so so so happy and relieved that she felt safe in telling me, and she knew I'd want to know, and she trusted that I would do my best to change.

That part made me very happy.

Because we all know the sad hopelessness of a person who goes around wounding people all the time, and we know there's no reason to even try talking to them, because they won't change.

Meanwhile, I still have my situation, and there are no obvious answers.  I was deeply hurt, and I have a feeling I wasn't the first nor will I be the last.

But I don't see the hurter that often.

But I WILL have to talk to him/her again, I know that.

We might even have to work together, which would be much easier if this could be addressed.

Not to mention that I'm now afraid to be around him/her.

But it might become a huge deal if I bring it up.

And they didn't mean to be hurtful--but then hurters always say that.

Paul says he supports me either way.

How do others decide these things?  How do YOU?

That's what I'd like to know.

And let me hasten to say, it wasn't you who hurt my feelings.  I'm quite sure That Person never stops by the Shoe.

Quote of the Day:
[while making food with my friend Sharon and four teenage helpers at the ACE Junior Convention last week, just after Steven threw a wet dishcloth at Sharon]
Sharon: STEVEN...?!  Help me out--I need a middle name!
Me: Ochieng.
Sharon: That's too complicated!