Friday, December 04, 2009

The Onion and I

Matt is a fan of The Onion so sometimes I follow his links to their website where they feature clever spoof "news" stories. They can be kind of over the top and crude at times, but at others they hit the truth dead center.

Matt liked this article about new electronic devices, which put precisely into words what many of us have sensed but never could quite explain.

And then I found an article entitled "Grandma Concerned About Dinner Roll Count" and I giggled guiltily through the whole thing because it nailed so precisely every grandma I ever knew who hosted Thanksgiving dinner, and far, far worse, it reminded me of ME and how I agonized over how much stuffing to make for the Thanksgiving dinner at church, for roughly 45 people. I consulted my sister Rebecca who gave me the recipe, Aunt Susie whose husband loves stuffing, Sharon who I was helping with the dinner, Paul who is logical and mathematical, and my mother-in-law who has cooked way longer than I have.

A few quotes from the article:

ROCKFORD, IL—Local grandmother Eileen Stafford, 78, expressed concern Monday over the number of dinner rolls she should have on hand for this year's Thanksgiving meal, appearing distressed when discussing the implications of there being either too many or possibly too few.

On a recent trip to the supermarket, Stafford reportedly purchased a package of 12 enriched white dinner rolls that was on sale for $1.89, and has since remained torn over whether a second package is necessary.

"They're a little small, and I don't want anyone to go hungry," said Stafford, carefully removing the rolls from the grocery bag to examine them more closely. "Of course, I can always give mine away if there's someone who doesn't get enough."

Added Stafford, "I don't have to have any rolls."

The elderly grandmother of four told reporters that, while she would hate for anything to go to waste, she would be equally upset if one of her guests reached into her wicker basket and found nothing but crumbs.

"Bill usually has two, even though he really shouldn't," said Stafford, referring to her son-in-law, whose above-average appetite she must always take into consideration when planning family meals. "And [daughter] Sheila's on that diet where they don't eat any bread."

Despite her insistence that she really doesn't want to bother anyone about anything, Stafford admitted that in the past week she has contacted several family members on multiple occasions to get an idea of how much company might be coming over.

You can read the whole thing here. Yeah, a bit too close to home.

Quotes of the Day:
"I start with 16 cups of bread for our family plus just a few guests."
--my sis Rebecca

"Milford and I both eat lots of stuffing. Mashed potatoes you can have any time but stuffing you get only at the holidays."
--Aunt Susie

"I'm gonna make one roaster full and that will be that. Besides, there will be tons of side dishes to fill up on."
--me, who then went on to agonize over this decision. For the record, I started with 56 cups of bread cubes and had maybe 3 cups of stuffing left over.


  1. Lark News is the evangelical Onion. It's pretty good.

  2. ....then in that made the perfect amount. Good for you!! :-)