Those Amish Wannabes

There is a strange new current running among the modern-day-hippie, back-to-nature, goat-in-the-backyard types, and that is to try to be Amish.

Back when my brothers were young and scoffed at as "dumb Dutch" in public school, it was inconceivable that someday the Amish would develop this mystique and romanticism among the "Englisch."

Some time ago, standing in line at Walmart, I saw a guy who was trying to look Amish. He had some major details all wrong, most notably the look on his face. I wanted to go tell him he looks way too pleased with himself to be a real Amishman.

A few days ago I met a whole family of this stripe. Bearded, suspendered man. Mom and daughter in white coverings and dresses with black aprons.

However, the whole effect was as incongruous as if I would decide to be Indian and try to wear buckskin, sit in a sweat lodge, and smoke peyote.

Mister had a striped shirt under his suspenders. The mom’s dress was much too short, and her and the daughter’s dirty, wrinkled kappa were vaschted over their buns.

My Amish aunts, who carefully starched and ironed their kappa on Saturdays, would have sat down in their rocking chairs and died before going out in public in anything so schlappich and flatschich.

In addition, both the mom and dad were divorced and remarried (verboten among the Amish of course) and the older daughter, who wore a scarf but wasn’t quite as "Amish," was dreadfully unladylike, unlike my cousin Lorene, who sat perfectly still all through Dawdy’s funeral in her neat black dress, with every hair in place and a careful candy-cane-shaped curl dripping down in front of each ear. (I was nine. Those curls were impressive.)

Conversing with the mom, I mentioned that I used to be Amish, a broad hint that she ought to ask this expert how she could be a little more authentic. Instead, she went into raptures about her new treadle sewing machine.

Ah well, it’s a free country, I guess. But my advice to the people who want to be Plain and Simple—not that I expect them to listen—is to wear bandanna scarves, order some jumpers from LLBean, read your Bible, and remember that cleanliness is next to Godliness. But pleeeeease don’t try to be Amish.

Quote of the Day:
"I just want you to know you’re invited to my funeral when I die."
--Jenny’s little friend Deana, to her friend Janane, when all the other little girls were inviting each other to their birthday parties